How can I feel insecure yet be so content?
Since having M I can not believe how fast time flies and how little of my life, pre-mum, that I miss. Yes there is the very odd time that I feel lonely or seek adult company but generally I have never felt so happy and satisfied about being a mum and being with M.
I gave up work to become a SAHM. It was a job I did not enjoy and I worked in an office of three people (myself included) but I thought I might miss having a natter and catch up with my colleagues. Now I don’t work there I still pop in past from time to time to talk and I do enjoy a catch up but on a day-to-day basis I do not miss going into the dirty, cold, no hot water, broken heating, roof collapsing, rotten carpeted office.
As for going out. Me and my hubby very rarely stayed in the house of an evening so I thought it would take a while to get used to this and for a while, when M was tiny, we did go out a lot and visit friends as we knew she would sleep wherever she was. This did not last more than a month or two and we very quickly got used to spending time in the house and catching up with TV programmes and watching films. We even started revising board games and finding the joy in them (just imagine pipe and slippers).
Now that M is bigger and eating the same meals as us this is even more enjoyable. We used to get a lot of take aways or go out for meals and, to be honest, it just started to get boring. Now we enjoy a home cooked meal and getting to spend time to talk as a family.
Sometimes I do get a wave of loneliness but I am someone who quite likes a quiet life and who doesn’t mind their own company so for me staying at home is maybe easier than for others? I can get quite anxious when around new people and even around friends I have a paranoia about whether they actually like me or not – a problem I have had for most of life after suffering from bullies for much of teen years. Even in social media I do not feel that confident about striking up conversations and such so often spend time as a spectator and I am worried that as M grows she may notice this.
I think since having M I have been more social when out and about. People are more likely to ask questions and I am fine with this, I used to be a reporter after all so I can talk I just feel so nervous inside. I think I hide it well so hopefully she will not pick up on it.
How can I be the happiest I have ever been before. Could I get any happier? Yet still feel insecure at times?
Are you scared any of your insecurities might rub off on your little ones?